I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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