whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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