the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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