Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
