I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
