party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize