I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
