how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
