Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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