Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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