we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
