when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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