I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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