Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize