The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize