somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
