I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
