tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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