your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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