Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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