dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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