Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize