well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
