Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
