That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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