someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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