I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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