She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
