she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
