he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
