Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize