Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
