dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
