Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
