He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
