I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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