I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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