Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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