dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
