Say something about gay babies.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
