considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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