i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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