Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
