This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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