FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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