Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
