Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
