worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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