you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
