she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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