Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
