Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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