I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
