apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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