is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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