The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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