last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
