i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize