Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
