i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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