Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
