did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
