And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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