just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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