the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
