You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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