Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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